Homo wifius

“And here we are today on the trail of the elusive creature, Homo wifius, also known as the American wife. It’s late in the morning, but it’s still early for the breed of his creature we’ve heard reports could be found in this very house, and that is the Kansas City Christina wife.”

I walk down the hall to the bedroom.

“As you can see, this particular individual has taken up homage under this twisted mass of fabric colloquially known as blankets. Apparently this individual either has issue keeping control of body heat while sleeping, or it just likes sweating out enough to overflow the Great Lakes. Whichever way, I’m sure this isn’t typical of all individuals of the Homo wifius species.”

The cat appears at my feet and meows at me.

“Ah and my trusty cat Lucas is here to help me with this individual. I hear rousing them from their sleep can be quite a dangerous idea indeed. Many who have attempted to rouse Homo wifius from sleep have lived to tell about it, but always mention close encounters with the grips of death in telling their tales. Perhaps Lucas can distract the creature a little as I attempt to rouse it.”

The blankets shift as the alarm goes off. I look down at the cat. “Lucas, will you sacrifice yourself to get my wife out of bed?”

The cat looks to his side a moment, toward my wife, then looks back up at me and gives a single mew, before turning around and walking away. Whoever says housecats don’t understand what we say has never owned a cat.


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I originally wrote this about three years ago and just never published it anywhere, so enjoy. “Lucas” is my cat Charlie, who actually died back in 2013. “Christina” is my wife (not her real name, obviously). Based on actual events.